Crying Moonshine Friends
by FunkyWashingMachine
Summary: Peridot and Pearl drunkenly commiserate over their love lives.
1. Chapter 1

If it had been just her body, she could have regenerated, no trouble. Even if it had been her gem, there would have been ways to fix it. But this was something else, something Steven said certain humans called names such as "soul." It was the self that existed between forms, cracks, and time. And unlike a physical form, it never forgot the hurt that was dealt it. Somehow, this thing that was the most eternal was also the most fragile. They said that's the part of Lazuli that suffered the most damage. It was what made her tired all the time, not a tiredness of the body but a tiredness of that thing called a soul.

Peridot had asked if a soul was something you could hold in your hands. Steven told her, to her disappointment, no, souls were invisible, intangible, didn't share this plane of existence. Garnet said that souls as most humans described them weren't real, and that Steven should stop lying to Peridot, but that, for the time being, they might as well say that Lapis' injury was in her soul.

"A soul is the thing that makes you laugh and cry," Steven had told her. She asked if it was a good joke versus a bad joke. "No, it's also what makes you love and hate," Steven said. "It's not the thing you laugh at. It's the REASON you laugh. It's the part of you that tells you you should laugh."

Peridot still hadn't understood.

 _If I could see or feel it, I'd know what it was. But it sounds like something you don't feel until it hurts._

Steven had tried to explain that it was something both real and imaginary, which Peridot found even more confusing. Her reaction was labeled a "tantrum." But what else was she supposed to do when all the information she was being given kept flying in opposite directions, contorting itself until her brain couldn't help but follow suit? And even worse, it wasn't just an abstract theory; it was the hardest data they had for a practical problem, that was, to fix Lazuli. Something about that type of problem was more compelling than the steps toward fixing a comparably broken machine. Peridot had spent a while trying to figure out why that was. She concluded that it had something to do with the cold feeling it put in her chest, almost as if there was a second brain there dictating what was most important. That lower brain had decided that there was something very important about Lazuli.

Peridot sat beside Lazuli, who slept on the sofa in the barn. Something about the rise and fall of her chest and the sweep of hair over her cheek intrigued Peridot's strange lower brain quite a lot. Objectively, she knew that these were in and of themselves not interesting or useful things, and she determined that the lower brain was, tragically, not a logical one. She hoped it would refrain from overriding her more logical brain. But during quieter moments like this, it was easier for that lower brain to say what it wanted. Listening to it talk was less frustrating than Peridot might have expected.

A strange notion crossed Peridot's mind (obviously sourced from the lower brain) that it might be nice to reach over and touch Lazuli, maybe on the hand, maybe on the face, maybe anywhere. Peridot's cheeks heated at the thought, and she tried to pretend it had never occurred to her. If Lazuli woke up and caught her, she would probably die of embarrassment. She already felt like dying of shame just for having thought it.

 _Besides,_ Peridot remembered, _Garnet said that sleep will help her_. Why had the more rational thought occurred second and not first? She silently scolded herself for being such a clod. Lazuli's capacity for sleep was inconsistent at best – that made it worth all the more.

"No," Lazuli murmured. Peridot's mind froze. "Please, no… I don't want to…"

"Lazuli? Can you hear me?" Peridot said tentatively.

"It hurts…"

"Lazuli, wake up!"

"Help…"

Peridot grabbed Lazuli by the shoulders and shook her. Her eyes flew open just as she screamed, "Stop!" After a moment, the look of terror on her face diminished, but Peridot still felt like it had been directed at her.

"Lazuli, you were dreaming again," Peridot explained. Lazuli pulled away from her.

"Don't touch me."

"Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?"

Lazuli was silent. Peridot knew what silence meant. It meant you had to try harder. In training, they always said that if your superior wasn't pleased, it was because you weren't trying hard enough.

"Can I make you some tea?"

Lazuli shook her head. Peridot had to think of something better. What would Steven have done?

"I know!" Peridot clapped. "How about a hug?"

"I said don't touch me!" Lazuli dodged her.

Peridot shrank back, not feeling so good.

"Lazuli," she said softly, "I just want to help somehow."

"Not now, Peridot," Lazuli muttered, arms crossed.

"Please," Peridot implored, "What can I do?"

"Just leave me alone!" Lazuli snapped. She drew out her wings and jumped down the loft.

"Wait!" Peridot called. "When are you coming back?"

"I'll come back when I come back!" Lazuli shouted. The last thing Peridot heard besides the reverberations in the barn was the angry whip of Lazuli's wings.

Peridot sighed and sank to the floor. She felt comparable to the biological waste matter she had stepped in the other day, complete with the cavernous impression of her foot. Leaving Lazuli alone was a more difficult command than it should have been. Inaction was useless. How could she do anything productive through inaction? She was a Peridot, and Peridots were made for utility. But now, she was like the organic waste matter, not only useless but so repugnant that the best thing she could do was stay away. It wouldn't be so bad if it actually seemed to be helping, but nothing at all seemed to help Lazuli's soul injury.

 _I'd do anything,_ Peridot thought as she curled up on the floor. Her body shook. _She doesn't want it, but I'd do anything._

She'd even have taken her place.

A sob wracked Peridot's small form. This sort of malfunction had been happening to her a lot lately. It had been happening to Lazuli too, but Peridot never let on that she knew. Something in her lower brain told her not to.

Peridot's foot hit something. She turned around and saw that she'd made contact with something under the couch, hidden by the wasteful strip of fabric that skirted it. With only a vague curiosity, she slid a hand through and pulled out the mystery object.

It didn't look special at first – Earth junk rarely did. It was some sort of container that made a soft sloshing noise. Then she turned it around and saw the label.

 _Happiness_.

Peridot puzzled for a moment. She thought that happiness was a concept, rather like the idea of a soul. But then it hit her. This was happiness somehow manifest in a physical form, perhaps even the source of happiness the way a gem was the source of one's body. Whatever it was, she knew it was the key to helping Lazuli.

 _I'm NOT useless,_ Peridot thought, her heart racing.

She dug out the blue marker and one of her Camp Pining Hearts charts from behind the TV.

 _Lazuli,_ she wrote on the back, _I found Happiness in a jar under the couch, and I'm bringing it to the Crystal Gems to learn how it works. I'll probably be back before you because you're always gone for a long time, but just in case I'm not, I promise I won't use any until you're here._

She felt like she wasn't saying everything she wanted to say, but she wasn't sure how exactly to word what was on her mind. It also seemed like whatever it was, Lazuli wouldn't want to hear it. So, instead, she just added, _Please refrain from exerting your soul in the meantime._

She signed the note, propped it on the couch, and headed to the Temple with Happiness in tow.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey, Peepster!" Amethyst opened the door. "Where's your girlfriend?"

Peridot sighed. "My female-identified compatriot is 'taking a breather.'"

"Ohhh, got lonely without her so you came to be with ME? I like your thinking, little P!" Peridot failed to dodge the subsequent noogie.

"Gakk! Let me go! This is serious business!"

"Ha ha, sure it is. At least you're not here to cry about your ladyfriend like Pearl."

Peridot sniffed in distaste.

"I require your assistance with some research." She lifted the jug. "I found this in the barn, and I need to learn how it works."

Amethyst peered at the label. "Ohhhhh, 'Happiness,' huh? Yeah, Peri, I suppose you _could_ use some of that in your life!" She snorted.

"It's not for– whoa!"

Amethyst pulled Peridot inside. "Peri, I would _love_ to be the one to show you how it works! Like, seriously, you have no idea."

"I don't?"

"Naw, girl, you've only been on Earth for _how_ long? This is a classic Earth experience!"

"You said that about the skunk, too," Peridot muttered skeptically.

"Well, this one's more fun, I promise! Why else did they call this stuff 'Happiness?'"

"That's why I'm hoping it will help–"

"Oh, just you wait! You couldn't _begin_ to guess what this stuff does! Wish I could have some with you!"

"With me? I don't want to use it, I just need to know how it works."

"Well, how will you know how it works unless you try some?" Amethyst winked.

"Can't you just verbally convey it to me?"

"Come on girl, Earth rite of passage!" Amethyst was digging through the cupboard.

"Well… okay," Peridot relented, looking at the jar. "But only a little bit."

"Well, _duh_ , Peri, downing the whole thing would kill someone your size!"

Peridot gulped. Who knew that Happiness was such a dangerous thing? No wonder they didn't have much of it on Homeworld.

"All right," Amethyst said, smacking a glass onto the counter. "Lemme see that."

Peridot hefted the jug in Amethyst's direction. "Be careful, don't break it," she grunted.

"Break it? Oh no, I couldn't live with myself if I did _that_! Besides, I'd have to actually clean up the mess before Pearl saw it."

"Ha ha!" Peridot exclaimed. "I see the humor! Because Pearl doesn't like Happiness, and that's why she's never happy!"

"You got it, babe," Amethyst said as she uncorked the bottle. "Oh, smell _that_!" She brought it to Peridot's level.

"Smell wha- HOLY SMOKES!" Peridot coughed. "Happiness smells like sinus pain?"

"It's really strong stuff," Amethyst said. "Wonder when they made this?"

"Someone _makes_ happiness? Who?"

Amethyst shrugged. "I dunno, probably Greg's aunt and uncle who owned the barn. Looks older than something Greg would've made himself."

"Greg can make Happiness?"

"Pff, I wouldn't give the man that much credit. Wish I could."

"So, you know the secret to Happiness?"

"Oh, I only know what it does, I don't know how to make the stuff." Amethyst topped the glass with Happiness, which turned out to be a clear liquid.

"Not so much!" Peridot cried. "I don't want to waste it!"

"No such thing as wasted 'Happiness,'" Amethyst winked. "You don't have to drink it all right away."

"Drink?" Peridot eyed the glass. "You mean I have to _ingest_ this foul substance?"

"Well, yeah, if you want to know how it works," Amethyst jabbed her.

Peridot took a breath.

"Okay. But only a bit."

"You say that _now_ ," Amethyst snickered.

Peridot picked up the glass. The liquid shimmered inside. Warily, she put it to her lips, trying not to breathe the noxious fumes. Perhaps it would be unkind to put Lazuli through the same experience. But this was Happiness, wasn't it? Peridot closed her eyes and tipped the glass.

"Oh… my… stars!" she sputtered. Amethyst saved the glass from her weakening grip.

"I know, right? It's the first one that always hits you hardest."

Peridot hacked and gagged.

"Why would it do that?"

Amethyst put an arm around her.

"Don't question Happiness, Peridot. How you feeling?"

"Like I swallowed a highly corrosive acid," Peridot wheezed.

"Ha ha! Peri, you're just too much."

"Is this what it's supposed to do?"

"It's a side effect, little P. The real stuff hasn't hit you yet."

"When does that happen?"

"Oh, you'll know. Or, at least, I will."

"Can you tell me more about how it works?"

"And spoil the surprise? Come on, where's your sense of adventure?"

"This isn't a game! This is serious soul-fixing business!"

"And I'm helping you do research, right? As your research partner, I think you should take another sip."

"Pff! If you were my research partner, I wouldn't be taking orders from YOU! I'd be taking them from someone much higher up!"

"Okayyyyy, then as the one who knows more about this stuff than you do, I'm saying you should do it again."

Peridot looked uncomfortably at Amethyst, then at the glass. She sighed. Amethyst handed her the cup again, grinning.

Amethyst was right, the second swallow wasn't as hard as the first, but it still hurt. Peridot also made a note of it to take less of it at once, and faster. Of course there would be a specific method to Happiness.

"Yeah, Peri! Taking it like a champ!"

"Ow."

Amethyst slapped her back.

"I'm proud of you, girl."

Peridot smiled a crooked smile. Her cheeks were starting to feel hot.

"How do you feel NOW?" asked Amethyst.

"Mildly… unstable."

"Hah! Aww, yeah!" Amethyst cheered. "Think you can manage another shot?" she asked almost seductively.

"I think… I can! In the interest of research!"

"That's what I'm talking about!"

The third swallow was the easiest yet. Peridot suspected her throat was becoming accustomed to the pain.

"Let's stop here for now," Amethyst said, taking the glass and putting it on the counter.

"Yes, a good idea," Peridot agreed.

"Okay, Peri, feeling any different?"

Peridot thought for a moment.

"I don't know. How will I know if it's working?"

"You want to hear a joke?"  
"Sure!"

Amethyst leaned in.

"CHICKENS!"

"AAA HAA HAAA!" Peridot doubled over, almost crying. "Amethyst, you're so funny!"

"Yep, definitely working."

"Amethyyyyyst," Peridot begged, pulling on Amethyst's foot, "Tell me another joke!"

"Okayyy," Amethyst thought. "Why did Peridot cross the road?"

"Why?" Peridot asked eagerly.

"CHICKENS!"

"AAAAAAAAAAHAHA SO FUNNY! Amethyst, you are a comedic genius!"

"I try." Amethyst flipped her hair. "How about you tell ME a joke now?"

"A joke," Peridot sat up, swaying slightly. "Why was Amethyst a chicken?"

"Why?"

"Because she shape shifted! Hahahaha!"

Amethyst snorted. "Peri, that's only funny because of how not funny it is."

"Oooh, oooh, here's another one! Why didn't Amethyst drink any Happiness?"  
"Because it's more fun to watch you get sloshed?"

"No! Because she was a CHICKEN!"

"Heh heh, that's not really… actually that does kind of make sense."

"AMETHYST I think I finally understand Happiness!" Peridot proclaimed as she leaned onto her.

"Shhh, Peridot, keep it down or Pearl's gonna throw a fit!"

"Throw a FIT, is she?" Peridot brayed. "I bet she couldn't even LIFT it! Hahahaha!"

"Hey Peridot! How many fingers am I holding up?"

"One, two… WAIT A MINUTE, those are touch-stumps, you clod!"

"You got me," Amethyst grinned. "Hey Peridot, think you can do me a favor?"

Peridot's diaphragm spasmed unexpectedly.

" _Heek_! What?"

"Would you go and get me something off the coffee table?"  
Peridot squinted across the room.

"What do you want off the table?"  
"I don't care, I just want to see you try to walk."

"Heh! Prepare to be amazed, Amethyst! I've been walking * _heek_ * since I could walk!"

Peridot knew she was walking marvelously, but Amethyst interrupted her sojourn to the floor anyway.

"Peri, no one does the penguin better than YOU!" Amethyst laughed down at Peridot, giving her another noogie. Peridot didn't mind so much being in Amethyst's arms this time. It would have been better if it were with Lazuli, though.

"Ooh, ooh, ooh, Amethyst! I have another joke!"

"Oh yeah? Let's hear it!"

"Why couldn't Lazuli find Happiness?"

"Ummm… because only short people fit under the couch?"

"WRONG! It's because Jasper made her fuse even though she didn't want to, and now her soul-thing hurts and nothing I do makes her happy no matter how hard I try, and that means I'm a failure, and also she never wants to hug me, and she's really pretty, and she used to be really small, and this wasn't supposed to happen, and… and…"

The sob malfunction was happening again.

"Um, Peri, you okay?"

"Amethyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyst," Peridot wailed, "Tell me how to fix Lazuli!"

Amethyst backed away, palms out.

"Ho-kay, did not see that one coming."

"AMETHYST please! The Happiness isn't working, I need more!"

"Not this time around, little P," Amethyst said, quickly corking the Happiness back up. "And be quiet, or else–"

"It's all my fault!" Peridot cried loudly.

"Um, what is?"

A sound came from the Temple door.

"Amethyst, what's going on here?" Pearl said, stepping out. Amethyst ran towards her.

"Oh, Pearl! Glad you're here! Crying stuff is YOUR thing, not mine. You can have her." She pushed past Pearl and retreated into her room.


	3. Chapter 3

"What on Earth…?"

Then Pearl saw Peridot in the middle of the floor. "Peridot? What are you doing here?"

"Don't come any closer, Pearl!" Peridot sobbed in warning. "You might come in contact with Happiness!"

"What in the world are you talking about?"  
"You hate this stuff! You're allergic!"

Pearl advanced slowly.

"Peridot, calm down. Why don't you start from the beginning?"

Peridot took a breath. Her vision spheres started leaking again.

"She was so small when they handed her to me… and they said, 'this will be your informant… the Jasper will keep her in line.' PEARL, don't you see? She was MINE! I could have done anything I wanted with her, she was so helpless in my hands… but she was the only thing smaller than ME, I just wanted to protect her… and now look at the CLODDY job of it I've done!"

Pearl blinked.

"What?"

"And then I found Happiness under the sofa…" Peridot gestured floppily at the counter.

"Happiness?" Pearl's gaze fell on the bottle. "Oh, no."

"And Amethyst tried teaching me how to use it, but I failed the lesson!"

"Okay, quiet down, Peridot," Pearl said, milling about the kitchen. "I know there's something you're supposed to take with alcohol, but I can't remember what. Orange juice, maybe?"

"It's not for ME!" Peridot complained. "It's for Lazuli!"

"Don't tell me SHE'S like this, too…" Pearl pulled her head out of the fridge.

"She's ALWAYS like this!" Peridot wailed. "She thinks I've never heard her crying… that's why I need the Happiness to make her better!"

A look of realization came over Pearl's face.

"Ohhhhhh… I get it." She knelt down next to Peridot. "I don't know what Amethyst told you, but this thing isn't what you think. It's a human invention, more often known as 'alcohol,' 'liquor,' 'spirit…'"

"Spirit?" Peridot perked up. "That's the part of Lazuli Steven says is broken! So, this should replenish what she lost!" She hoisted herself up and wobbled to the counter through her sniffles. "Thank you, Pearl! It all makes sense now!"

"Wait!" Pearl said, blocking her. "I mean, no. You have it wrong. All it is is a substance that causes a temporary elevation in mood. It doesn't last, and it's not going to help Lapis, either. Just look at how sad it's made YOU!"

Peridot's head hung again.

"That's because it's for HER, not me! I shouldn't have wasted it!" She sniveled all the way to the floor.

Pearl hesitantly touched her shoulder.

"Peridot, don't cry. This plan of yours was never going to work from the start."  
"Because NOTHING can help Lazuli!" Peridot bawled. "YOU clods haven't been able to help her, but I'M at least TRYING! But I already know none of you care as much as *I* do!"

"Peridot," Pearl began gently, "sometimes people just need time to themselves."

"All I wanted was to protect her, and now she'll never be okay again," Peridot blubbered. "You don't know what it's like!"

Before Peridot knew what was happening, her shoulders were taken violently in Pearl's grip, and she was pulled face-to-face with a sight she would never be able to forget. Pearl looked as though she was set to kill one of them and didn't know who. Peridot had never been afraid the way she was in that moment.

After the longest instant in Peridot's life, Pearl brusquely released her, spun to the counter, and downed the glass.

"Pearl…?" Peridot said quietly, "I thought you hated Happiness."

Pearl didn't respond at first. She was crouched above the floor with her arms clasped to her head, almost as if she was one of those people Steven talked about who believed in souls.

"Peridot…" she said after a while.

"Yes?" Peridot peeped.

Pearl slammed her fist on the floor.

"I can't FUCKING believe you think I hate happiness."

"Frankly I'm more surprised that you know that word," Peridot shirked.

"I'm as mother-fucking happy as the next guy who shows up around town and STEALS your girlfriend away!" She skulked towards Peridot.  
"Is that an example of… sarcasm?" Peridot asked.

"IT'S AN EXAMPLE OF EVERYTHING, PERIDOT!" Pearl said intently, shaking her. "But honestly," she said, letting go (and causing Peridot to fall to the floor) "With so many fucking adorable little Peridots running around, why do I need to miss ROSE for?"

She impishly slunk over Peridot and pinched her cheek.

"This is a strange compliment you are paying me…" Peridot muttered from below.

Pearl leaned in close.

"IT'S CALLED SEDUCTION, YOU UNDERSIZED LITTLE BEAN."

"Heh!" Peridot scoffed. "You can't seduct me!" Her face fell. "Because you're not Lazuli."

"Oh, of course," Pearl spat, sitting back. "There's ALWAYS someone else! But you know what, Peridot? I'm fucking used to it by now! PEARL'S never good enough, but someone ELSE always is!"

"You don't understand!" Peridot bemoaned, trying to gain enough balance to sit up. "She was so small in my hands… and I knew that whatever she was, she would be beautiful… how could something so delicate you could hold it in your hands not be beautiful?" Peridot sniffed. "I wish she had been ugly like the Greg."

"Oh! Ha!" Pearl flicked her wrist. "Greg's not THAT bad… for a human… who stole the most important person in your life… You know what?" She punched the floor. "You're absolutely right, fuck Greg and his stupid little bitchass monkey twatface!"

"Pearrrrrrrrrrl, she was so small! You don't understand!" Peridot moaned, falling over Pearl in a clumsy hug. "She was MINE. She wasn't important to anyone on Homeworld, and they didn't need her back, but you know what? They don't know what it's like to be small, but *I* do! I was the only one who cared about her then, and it looks like I'm STILL the only one who cares about her NOW!"

"I am ABSOLUTELY with you, Peridot, we DON'T care that much about Lapis… good on you for trying, though!" Pearl thumped Peridot on the back.

"But she HATES it!" Peridot wailed. "All I want to do is be there for her, and all SHE wants to do is get away from me!"

"Because that's what HAPPENS to gems like us," Pearl said. "It's a string and a carrot and all that showbiz."

"String and a carrot?"

"Oh, that's right, you've never been a Pearl before." Pearl then also suffered from a diaphragmatic spasm. "Well, welcome to the team, you can be an honorary Pearl from now on."

"You mean, I can be pretty like a Pearl and then Lazuli will like me?"

"Hah! Oh, no, you're nowhere NEAR as beautiful as a Pearl. I mean that it's such a Pearl thing, to be that much more invested in someone than they are in you."

"That's how it's supposed to be!" Peridot exclaimed. "Only, it's supposed to be for Diamonds. You can't be MORE loyal to a lesser gem than to a Diamond! That's when rebellion happens."

Pearl stiffened.

"Why do first impressions have to be so IMPRESSIVE?" Peridot complained, finally having somewhat righted herself.  
"Honestly, Peridot, if they were that impressive we'd have gotten rid of your tiny green ass by now."

"Pearl, what's wrong with me? Yellow Diamond was never important to me THIS way…"

"Feelings are a bitch," Pearl said flatly.

"I'd never been important like that before," Peridot sniffed. "She was a whole BEING… in my own two hands… maybe she could feel me breathing…" Peridot broke out into sobs. "But, do you think anyone ever held ME that gently before? And WILL they?"

Pearl put a finger to Peridot's lips and pulled her into her arms. Peridot cried, and Pearl held her.

"I appreciate this gesture," Peridot said after a while, "but it would mean more coming from Lazuli."

Pearl looked moderately bemused. "If I didn't know exactly where you were coming from, Peridot, I'd be incredibly offended."

"Is this how a Pearl feels?" Peridot asked, cupping the spot where her lower brain was. "Duty, protection, something really, really important?"

"There's a word for that," Pearl said. She frowned and turned away.

"I'm not useful to ANYONE," Peridot moaned. "Not Yellow Diamond, and not Lazuli either… not even to YOU clods anymore!"

"You think YOU'RE the only one who feels useless?" Pearl scoffed. "Try having the only person you trust knowingly LEAVE you without a word! After she's already told you that she…" It seemed that Pearl was suffering from vision-sphere leakage as well. "PERIDOT," she hollered out of nowhere, "Tell me I'm not uglier than Greg!"

Peridot backed away. "You're a PEARL, you were MADE to look pretty! All I was made to be was useful, but now I'm not even THAT anymore! I wish I could trade utility for design and be like a Pearl!"

"Greg is NOT more beautiful than a PEARL!" Pearl wailed.

"And YOU'RE not prettier than Lazuli," Peridot countered glumly.

"Greg's not even a good dancer!" Pearl declared. "And he can't fuse!"

"She keeps having nightmares about fusing…" Peridot whined.

"HE never would have died for her… why didn't she understand that?"

"Jasper was always so rough with her, and I never said anything..."

Pearl shakily got up and made her way over to the Spirit.

"I can't believe that after all this time, YOU would be the one to understand."

She tipped out an unsteady stream from the bottle. Why would she do that if the liquid didn't actually cause happiness?

"Is this really what it's like to be a Pearl?" Peridot asked miserably. "Does it ever get better?"

Pearl looked her in the eye and raised the glass.


End file.
